Dear Obama, NSA and the CIA,
Eel just thought you would like to know that when she was not online talking to people, (but you already knew that bit right), she went in the bath and watched television. The Eel is now going to watch a DVD. Then she is going to have a cigarette, go to the loo, brush her teeth and then go to bed. Because you will have read the Eel's text messages, you will know that she is assisting at an event tomorrow evening. However, prior to that she will clean her house, do some washing, go to university and then go to see her boyfriend. She will probably have a coffee with milk and two sugars while she is with him and discuss what is happening on Friday. She will also tell her boyfriend about the job vacancies you know Eel has found, but that her boyfriend does not know the Eel has found because she has not spoken to him online this evening. Because the Eel knows how you like to be aware of exactly what everyone in the world is doing at what time, she thought she would help you by telling you everything she does when she is not on the internet as it will save you having to spend people's taxes on hiring spies to follow the Eel and her Small Fry. The Eel hopes that you approve of the things that the Eel plans to do tonight and tomorrow, and that they are not a threat to your nation's security. Similarly, she hopes that when you pass this information onto Mr. Cameron, MI5 and MI6, they will not class her plans as terrorist acts. If you require any further assistance from the Eel, please do not hesitate to let her know - you already have her phone number, email and address so the Eel should be easy enough to get hold of.
Many thanks for your time and kind regards,